July 3rd

It's 11:31pm and I desperately want to get this post completed by midnight (hopefully you'll see why) so please excuse me if there are any mistakes!

I have to be honest, I have been holding my breath the past few days, knowing that July 3rd was quickly approaching. You see, over the past three years July 3rd has been a significant date for me; each July 3rd has marked the beginning of a new chapter in my life. It was almost like Noah's rainbow - July 3rd was the reminder and the manifestation of the "bigger and better" things that God promised me when I cried out and came back to Him on March 25, 2005. I was apprehensive about this July 3rd because I wasn't going to be starting anything new - instead I was packing boxes (not fun) to move out of my host home. Was God going to let me down? Was He done showing Himself in really amazing ways? This fear was just another example of what I have been wrestling with lately - dealing with unreasonable and then unmet expectations of God and how to have expectations of Him without confining Him to my personal expectations (if you think that was confusing to read and comprehend, imagine actually wrestling with it!)

With these thoughts in the back of my mind, I went to dinner with some dear friends of mine. As we ate we began talking about our current relationship status with the Lord (although I'm tempted to make a DTR comment here, I will hold my tongue). Although our situations were not all the same, we could all agree on being in a certain spot. Have you ever had one of those times when you felt like you were throwing a temper tantrum in front of the Lord? And then, once you've had that temper tantrum have you have felt like you were still "sitting on the floor" because you know that as soon as you stand up you will have to let go of your pride, face God, and admit that you're wrong? Even though you know there is no condemnation there is conviction and you just want to skip that stage and just go back to everything being okay like it was before. But you can't, because that's where redemption and the lesson come in. I would say that it's probably just me but the girls agreed with me - they were there as well. As I listened to them talk and we expounded on this analogy I realized I was talking in the past tense. I was talking about a feeling I had, not my current state. For a little less than a year now I have been that temper tantrum thrower and in the past month or so I have been avoiding standing up and growing because I knew I would have to face unpleasant things and admit I was wrong (ugh! my pride!) But then, all of a sudden, there I was at dinner, thinking, "Okay, I'm ready". This could have only come from God Himself. I don't know what standing up will look like or exactly how to go about it but at least I'm willing. My heart has been softened and I'm okay (dare I say, "looking forward to"?) the maturity that will result. So, today did not hold a new job, a new adventure, or anything else exciting but that doesn't mean that the July 3rd tradition didn't hold up - I let go of my expectations and God came through, showing me just a glimpse of a renewed relationship with Him that will be much "bigger and better" than even just a day ago.

I didn't make my time goal - maybe next time...